I know I haven't updated in forever... and now, in the wee hours of the morning, here I sit, filled up with thoughts, detached from emotions, and needing some place to sort them all out. And so I turn to LJ, hoping to make sense of what I feel: fear, and the need to hide.

But where do I start?

More and more as of late I feel like I am falling away from the person I was, the person I was proud to be. Now I hide, now I can no longer think clearly--always it seems I am surrounded in fog--and I don't feel as strong as I was starting to be. I am regressing to my early twenties without my ability to hold the same amount of alcohol without the massive hangover.

My therapist (before she told me not to come back until I could open up) always asked me questions to which my answers were constantly changing, where I didn't know the right answers, only the ones I should give. I avoided emotions, getting deeper than the surface, treading the shallow like I do when I'm swimming. Staying where I have control. Now, it kind of seems that that is all there is of me, and I cannot go any deeper, cannot look into people deeper in case it reflects into myself, cannot connect deeper with people, cannot think beyond the surface. And I am suffering for it.

Since my grandmother died in March I have only really cried once, letting everything I kept bottled in out. And I was really really drunk then. Other than that, the lid has been kept tight and I feel like the way I react to things and people and stress is now as restricted as trying to breath in a corset that is sinched far too tight. I run. I hibernate. I hide. I go blank inside.

And more and more, I cannot let myself go enough to cry. And I really cannot say why. At least not beyond the fact that I am really, really afraid. And not the afraid that I can pick out... not the scared that has a name. But the scared that pulls at you, that nags and swallows you whole. The kind of scared a five year old is when they don't know what they are being punished, being spanked, for.

I know things I worry about: not being good enough for grad school, taking the first steps, being hated, being loved, loving, hurting... and I know that hiding is only a surface symptom of the larger feelings--lonliness and fear--that lays beneath it. But I am too terrified to reach down and meet it, to look it in the eye, and deal. And I am too lost on the surface, in the blankness, to know why.

I know that my relationships and my school work are suffering because of it. I can't emote my feelings, what bothers me, what I need or want or don't want, I just swallow them and push on. I can't talk to others about what it is I think or feel, I just shut down to think it over later when it is safe enough to come out of my shell. When did I become a turtle stuck in its shell?

I'm starting to see more and more all the things I've been avoiding to not be called 'emo' and all the behaviours I am reverting back to to prevent people from looking too close--or at least seeing when they look that there isn't anyone home although the lights and coffee-timer are still going.

...And still, this post, is still just the surface...

I still like him. A lot. I know him and I fear him and I feel sorry for him. Because he is like me. No matter how much I dislike the fact, we are, indeed, the same. But because it was easier I have shoved him away. Because I wanted to avoid the issue, believing that out of sight meant out of heart, I went out of my way not to have him around. But it didn't work. And now I am left where I started: do I do the easy thing and hope it will work this time? Or do I think to do the right thing, and accept the situation as it is, build up a callus, and let my heart be broken in hopes that it heals?

He called me damaged goods. And I am. And right now, if I met a man like me, I wouldn't want to date him. Damaged goods: commitment issues, fear of communication, fear of being helpless, trust issues, fear of being hurt...hell, I don't even trust myself.

Getting fixed is hard and it hurts. It involves being broken down into pieces that are raw and exposed and fragile and starting new, trying to put all the broken and rusty bits together again in some resemblance of a person. I'm afraid to be put down into that state, to be that vulnerable. What if I can't get back up again? What if at the end of all of it, all of the work and struggle, I find that I'm not any better?

I guess school is the same... I'm so afraid of failure that I don't even try.

I'm reminded of the episode of sex and the city where samantha lost the ability to have and give herself orgasms. Since the young guy, I've been incapable of orgasming. Maybe its stress or perhaps my subconscious is holding out for him--but its been almost 2 weeks and nothing: nothing but frustration. I'm thinking maybe a new toy...or maybe dragging the young guy home again(though I still sport the bruises from 2 weeks ago).

It isn't fair. I'm not asking for love or world peace: just to come. Why is this too much to ask?

I think I've lost my orgasm button.

I am doing a B of Sc; which means I need 2 math credits to graduate. Since Psych Stats doesn't seem to count, and I already failed Calculus, I'm left with trying Calc again, boosting my GPA (by replacing the F) and hopefully getting my much needed credit.

And so, I am now taking Pre-Calc since it has been many years since I have been Calc free. I am blessed by having a prof that speaks english as his first language. The problem is, is that speaking english is where his merits end. He gave us a sheet of algebra the first day(as a review, although we "learned" some of what it had on it in class), and said more than once that if we had trouble with it then we should re-think being in the class. Its been 7 years since my last run-in with pre-calc and algebra and the experience has left me feeling a little shaky of my skills: this Prof only seems to want to make it worse. So, I am working hard--harder than I probably worked on any other course. And still, I struggle: why?

Because the Prof likes to test on material he doesn't cover in class; he gives easy examples in class and hard ones on quizzes that we didn't do in the assignments (which he assigns and have no guide how to do); he is inconsistant in his methods; he makes you feel like this is just a review for people who don't really need it...

Today though, took the cake. After lecturing on material he said he wouldn't, we had our daily quiz, as usual. It was on log and ln functions something that again, he didn't teach as well as he tested. As my TA looked over my quiz before I handed it in (actually feeling pretty good that I did okay) he told me I was going to get a question wrong, even though both myself AND the TA (a PhD student in Math) knew it was right. Why was it wrong? It wasn't in the format that the Prof preferred (using Ln instead of Log) which was something he failed to cover in class.

I made the changes and handed in my quiz and left wanting to burst into tears. How does anyone expect us to do well in the class and feel like we can actually do the material when he changes the rules so often and readily? Our midterm is Wednesday, and I am scared. I have midterms tomorrow and Wed morning which only leaves Wednesday day to prep for this... I'm starting to remember how it felt when I took this last time, only now, its not me who isn't on my side.

And the part that really makes me want to be sick: he's my calc prof next semiester too.

I've never been good at emotions. I can deal with stress, I can handle situations where shit hits the fans and someone is needed to clean up the mess in 10 minutes before the folks come home and smells the feces. I'm that girl. I'm not, however the girl that can deal with floods of emotions, not the girl who can tell you what she feels before hindsight distances her from them and puts them into perspective for her. I inherited that from my father. We both get angry easy and neither of us express our feelings in words. I wonder if he has a history of running from his feelings too?

Therapy was a bust: it ended with her telling me that unless I was willing to open up and go into what I was running from, not to come back--an interesting ultimatum to give someone who also has trust issues. So, instead, I'm buring everything deeper and falling more into my fantasies and dealing with things in my own way.

Since my grandmother died it was left to my mother to clean up her house, sort through things and cleaning it out, since my father has avoided the entire thing as much as possible and taking out his repressed emotions on everyone else. Like him, I have not really cried about her dying, like him, I haven't talked about it. Like him, I feel like I need to remain strong. When I went home I gave my mother the much needed push, I helped her clean out the house with the skills for detachment and practicality in not being a pack rat that she sorely needed. She and my sister were emotion through the experience while I was the voice of reason--which is funny when you think about it. I ended up taking a lot of craft stuff that my grandmother had and that my mom didn't need. Since I came back into the city I taught myself how to knit and do cross stitch. I baked bread and pies using her old recipes... I think this is my way of dealing with her death, I definately feel closer to her for doing it all. Its silly, and people don't understand it, but in a little way, by learning what she knew and carrying it on, a part of her will stay alive.

When anyone asks what I'm doing, I tell them that I'm learning to either be a 1800's bride or a 21st century spinster--whichever comes first.

Got 4 out of 5 marks back and I must confess myself to be very dissapointed:

Ecology - B
Anatomy - B+
Myth - A-
Paleoanthropology - A-

Still waiting on Human Communication, but I'm pretty sure that I got an A- or A in that class. So far my GPA now sits at an 2.83... not quite as high as I wanted it. But to be fair I did do a lot of extra cir. this semiester (Vagina Monologues and Women's Centre board) as well as worked and tutored.

This summer I am taking Genetics, Pre Calc and Human Sexuality in the first session and Interpersonal Relationships and a 3.5 week Calc course. Hope I don't fuck it up. I need a 3.0 by the end of it!!

So this has been a summation of my life as of late:

-Started getting panic attacks at the thought of seeing the nice guy. This came about when he went from 2 feet personal space to constantly touching me at all times in less than a day. So after almost running away from him when I saw him on campus, I told him that it was too much too soon. We haven't hung out since, and have only talked a couple of times online... this was the 26th/27th.

-I got a horrible drunken email from Loomis (on the 28th), saying that he hated that he hurted me, he wished he could have been my friends boyfriend (even though he says he has commitment issues), and that he missed me... all one after the other, with no breaks or anything. Lenny deleted it, and emailed Loomis, saying he was a jerk. My friend, Alison, said that he didn't mean what he said about her because Loomis didn't make any effort to talk to her since he left, so she felt he was lying. I got pissed, told him off, for using her and for hurting me... again, and told him to grow the hell up (with an emotional email... I too am obviously mature). He wrote back, dismissing everything and told me to get over it. Later I saw on Alison's inbox that there was something there from Loomis... I just didn't know when from. So now the question becomes: was she lying to me? Since this, she has started dating Tristan. So she is 2 for 2 when it comes to going after and hooking up my guy friends. This disturbs me, because, well, it does. It makes me question introducing her to anyone else and makes me wonder if she's being totally forthright with me.

-I started therapy again, as a way to deal with my trust and commitment and intimacy issues that have shot out to overtake my life. The therapist says that she's looking forward to working with me, because I actually know what's wrong with me... I just don't know how to fix it.

-My grandmother died. She was 85, it was sudden, but it happened. I had to give away a bunch of shifts to go to the funeral, I wrote the euology, and I inheritated an old gag cow collection. Whoo hoo. My grandmother had given me $100 every month to go towards my rent, which is otherwise rediculous and causes me to work more than I'd like and take away from my school (which is already suffering). So now... I need to get another job.

- I found out yesterday that the cough that I had since christmas has settled into my left lung in the form of an infection, and if not gotten rid of asap, could develop into phenmonia (if it hasn't already). So, since I am poor and lacking that extra $100 a month, I can't take any time off work this weekend, and so am ODing on Advil and taking antibiotics in order to beat down this ever-worsening condition and hoping that it will go away and that I won't need to go on a puffer. So until I get better or find some better way to stop it from getting worse, I am left dealing with a wracking cough, headaches, running nose, possible fever and the feeling like I can't breath every time I take more than 10 steps anywhere.

Thus far... 2009 really blows. A lot.

So I'm sitting here in tears, on the edge of a panic attack because of the same topis that just yesterday brought me glee...the nice guy: Dale.

And now it all makes sense: why I have a track record of liking assholes and guys that will never like me the same way I like them: why I don't like guys that 'deserve me'. Its because when they do hurt me its at the beginning when the emotion is fresh and just on the surface...its a hurt that I can walk away from.

I keep telling myself that Dale will be leaving at the end of summer, I keep telling myself that we can have fun and maybe help each other work past some of our respective issues and teach one another a couple things...but the fear will not leave.

There is one thought that is echoing in my brain, one thought that is turning all the warm feelings I had for him into cold doubt and fear--jake was a nice guy in the beginning too.

I'm scared, very terrified of being hurt again. And now I feel like a jerk, like some teasing bitch who was playing with his emotions...

But Jake was a nice guy at the beginning too.

Why do I have to be so fucked up? The question no longer is what's wrong with him; its now, and should have always been...why am I still so fucked up? When will I get better?

I don't want to hurt him or lead him on...

But Jake was a nice guy in the beginning too.

So the nice guy likes me and wants to do me... All is right with the world. :D

I'm posting this here more for my own sake than anyone elses (because I can't imagine too many people being interested in what passes for my love life). But I often find myself looking back in the journal for past entries, because my memory isn't as good as it should be. So I want to be able to look back at this time with fond remembrance that I was happy in this moment.

I met Dale at 1 at the library to which we walked to the Museum of NAtural History for the Mammals of the Ice Age exhibit. I can't remember much of what we saw (except that I got my finger stuck in an ear of a giant beaver... don't ask), but I spent the time laughing and talking and smiling. We then went to the Discovery Centre where we did things that we were too old for, talked about things inappropriate for the kiddies around us (he calls kids larva...which rocks). In the gift shop we found 'giant microbes' which are cute as hell. He bought me West Nile because it made me laugh and we then headed onto the Freak Lunch Box and a walk on the waterfront.

Then, we went to my apartment where he graciously kicked my ass in Mario Party 8, wooed one of my cats and just talked with me until almost midnight. Saying goodbye he hugged me, and kept his arm around me... I got nervous, and starting to giggle (which ruined the 'are we going to kiss' moment) and after another moment of touching, he left.

I got an email from him today, hoping that he didn't overstay his welcome, telling me that he hoped he could see me again this week, and if I needed anything to just 'shout'.

I honestly have no idea what's going to happen between us. I don't know if this is going to be a friendship, an awkward relationship that is somewhere between friendship and something more, or if this is going to go further... but in this moment, I'm okay with not knowing and just seeing where the road leads. I know that he leaves in 6 months--but until then... I want to see where this road goes.

Out of the ashes of my latest bad judgment in regards to men and my liking the wrong ones, there is hope. The last guy made me doubt men, myself, and the friendship I thought was special to us both but showed itself to not be anything more than superficial and base. That's what hurt the most. I breathed better when he left, and hope that he stays gone. I'm better off without him.

It seems that whenever I get too excited about something, whenever I talk about it here things go down in a burning shit storm that leaves me (as stated above) doubting men, myself and whatever else was at risk in that moment. But, with hope, and reality, I'm here because really, law of averages...right?

Dale. He's 27, has his masters, opens doors, and seems, at this point, to be a gentleman. In the three weeks that I've known him, he's gotten me a job (one that he offered me, not one that I sought), he introduced me to professors in the biology department who are interested in helping me in my field (again, his offer), he's totally re-vamped assignments of mine for classes that he TA'ed for last year (his insistance that he help since it was giving me trouble and had other things to focus on), he is hooking me up with opportunities that will look good on my CV for grad schools... he brought me pepsi today as a pep-up for studying.

The sad part is that he's moving at the end of summer to do his phD in sask. for 3 years. With this reality in mind its hard to know what's going on and what should go on...

I keep wondering... what's wrong with him?

I have the urge to write. It's filling me, bubbling up to the surface, oozing its way into my life, into everything I do, squeezing out everything I should be doing, making me focus only on it--only on what I want to do.

Now that reading week is here, now that I can give myself over to this urge, to this overwhelming want, I can't find the words, only the feeling behind it.

I'm holding on.

My soul is afraid to let go.

My heart is breaking, and my hands are aching to sooth the pain, but I can't give myself to a story, because I can't emot... not yet, not while this story continues, not while I'm still pondering the ending... not while my soul still clings...

One more night.

Then the words will come.

Okay, so this is big, but I can't bring myself to post all the details... aka names, but I have a sneaking suspicion that certain individuals will know who I'm talking about. I hope you won't think less of me for it. I can't help my heart.

---

We met almost six years ago and he liked me. He hit on me, he hated me, he teased me. But under it all he liked me. And I could never forgive him for it. I hurt him (I know this now) time and time again, I played with his feelings, I never really got it... until now.

We made out once or twice in the beginning, but it didn't work, I wouldn't let it, he was him, and I was having none of that. Now... he's changed, so have I, and so many life times have passed and I see everything differently.

I fell for him. My one time mortal enemy, the one who set me up with Jake, the one who never judged me--the one who stood by my side no matter how much pain he had to hide. Little by little I saw it, like a thinning fog, until one night, one kiss, one jealous thought of another being with him and I knew. I liked him. Now that I was sure he was over me... my heart wanted him.

But my timing is wrong and karma's a bitch. He likes me still, but it isn't right. It's never been right. He doesn't want to hurt me, or to lose me. Shannon thinks that if he gave in both would happen. And so here I am, the day after my heart broke, the day after I left him in his bed at 1 am to walk home in tears, the day after I realized that my heart could love someone again, could break again... and I'm going to be okay. Because of him.

If I had seen it sooner, it would have torn us apart, thrown us into hatred that would burn us both still. But I'm becoming someone special, and he's becoming a man I am proud to know. Lenny thinks we're still too early. Maybe he's right. I have hope.

Hope. This still surprises me.

I have hope that he'll be happy, and that he'll be someone he's proud of. I have hope that he will know that I love him and accept him and will be there for him in the way that I know that he will be there for me. And I hope that the next time one of us truly sees, we will both have our eyes open. Until then, I have a friend who cares about me, who wants what's best for me, who is looking out for me. I am loved in the ways that matter most. I don't have to hold out for some day in the future, because in the ways that I have longed for, I'm not alone.

Because of him.

Some times a hero is in the way they stand beside you
Some times armour is their arms around you
Some times the horse is the safety they carry you away on
And some times the moments that saves lives are the ones you never notice happening until they are around you.

In a way my old world ended after all. And I'm not sorry for it at all.

I wanted "the world to end"...

I fear that it will keep on going.

This is sad, because I feel that such a change, such a drastic "end" would be good, and bring about an amazing beginning.

But alas, boys are always going to be stupid and my timing rotten.

Okay a school-type update, which is about as unexciting as my life-type updates.

Still waiting on one grade which should be either an A or A+.

Cog. Psych - B
Ethology - B+
Evolution - A-
Adv. Stats - A+

Together this puts my GPA up to 2.71 from a 2.6. another A will hopefully put it to 2.75. Its really depressing to think that all this work this semiester (which I admit I didn't do as well as I would like) for only an increase of 0.11-0.15.

Okay in life, the crush I had left the province... without encouraging news where he and I were concerned. Not that I was overly surprised at that.

And I'm wanting a new job again. I've been at Neptune long enough to feel that they are starting to think of me as a fixture which they no longer need to appreciate because it will most likely always be there.

And that's it, that's my life. Exciting, no?

Edit--

I got my last mark back. An A+ for an overall GPA of 2.76.

Okay, I need advice.

This guy I liked, who supposedly likes me, is going away in a week, for a month. I may or may not see him again before he goes.

Should I tell him that I like him? I figure that it would be best to do it before he leaves for a month. That way, if things don't go my way, I have a month without him being in my city to recoup my pride.

So... what should I do? And how should I do it?? Suggestions?

Man, I am really not good at this whole liking people thing.

My taste in men has always been... lets say, inconsistant at best. "My type" varied in appearance and personality and the only thing that seemed a stable pre-req. in me liking them was that there wasn't any chance in them ever liking me back.

As of late my crushing behaviour has been pretty mute. Then I met Karan, a middle-eastern actor who was so very very pretty and so very very out of my league. But I liked to look at him, and just enjoyed the knowledge that I could actually like someone again. It was also safe liking someone whom couldn't like me back.

And then... around the same time, I also started crushing on someone else... let's call him GP. He's also an actor, but not pretty or tall or dark or handsome or anything at all like KAran. But he was funny and cute and fun. So, I found myself no longer looking at the young middle eastern hottie and instead looking at the 30-something, brit-accented cutie.

Why is this 'Glee' worthy? Because I just found out that there is a chance that GP might like me too. GLEE!!!

Now the sadness. He may be moving away. Which sucks because now I know that even if something could happen, now nothing will. But it also means that while before I wouldn't dare to persue this... I can safely find out for sure 'what might have been'.

So I guess, when it comes down to it, I'm 'GLEE' for two reasons.
1) I might be liked by someone I like.
2) I'm not freaked out that I might be liked by someone I like back.

This is a big step for me.
I may be growing as a person.
Stay tuned, I'll let you know for sure.

I think I know why I was always so hyper in the old days.
And I think I also know why I haven't been so hyper as of late.
But its back--the hyperness and its cause.
I think I know why guys take so long to 'mature'.
Holy fuck my sex drive is back.

(too much detail I know!)

His voice has dried up and gone,
But his words are still strong and live on...

Have you ever read something; something unexpected, and found that it brought you to a turning point? Brought you to a place where your senses tingle, your hurts begin to heal and you see everything-everything good and bad and ugly and beautiful-in a way that you never dreamed of?

This is the power that Casanova's memoirs have upon me. This is the power of his life and his thoughts. This is the power of the man whom loved so many and asked for so little in return.

He is opening my heart to realizations I never dreamed, of possibilities I had long given up on. He is the love that I hold above the world, that I seek out, trying to obtain, knowing that it cannot, but that I should never stop trying. Because to stop trying is to stop living and that is death.

And I now see just how much I am not ready to die.

Money sucks. Not having money is sucking even more.

State of the world aside, politics be damned, my worries right now don't lie with nations or persons seeking power, or wars, or what-have-you. My worries right now is money, plain and simple.

As of Monday my rent, an outragous $785.00 will be taken out of my account. The problem? Due to work and the fact that my loan has yet to come in, I only have $500 of that amount and my credit card is boardering on maxed. Therefore, unless my loan gets into my bank in the next 3 days, I am pretty much screwed. WHOO!!!!

This seems to happen to me every year. Something happens with my loan to make it unbarably late; I have not caught up to the summer slump in work; and so I am left to worry about rent, not pay my phone bill, and sustain myself on the starving student diet. So far this year I've gone down a dress size (which considering how much weight I did manage to gain over the summer, isn't totally a bad thing if done a healthier way).

I just need to find a better way to do this, a more consistant way to be only marginally poor and go to school. But until I do... I am screwed. Boo.

But I don't wanna do school!!!!!!


I just did the math. I need to get no mark under A- this year and at least 3 A+'s to be able to do honours next year.

The problem? I am taking a crazy hard course load and am unmotivated but stressing out. Therefore, I'm most likely screwed in some very fundamental way.

WEEEEEE!!!!